I can wear a cape but I'm actually not Super Girl

Thanks Claire for this xx

Since my quite public little set back earlier this week, I've had a couple of days of doing some intense soul searching.  My brain has been on overload and I've been thinking, thinking, thinking.  It's only been two days but I've done a lot.  (No....Kate, thinking too much- really??) ;)

Instead of boring you with an indepth recap story of the lead up of events and subsequent discoveries I made, here is a summary, in point form of what this is all about:

• I've always been an All or Nothing type of girl.
• I have never been good at moderation or balance.
• Events from last year shook me up.
• An after effect of this is that I became completely and utterly disorganised: because I had to focus on myself and what was happening in my life, just to get by.  As a result, everything else fell by the wayside.
• It is now a year later, and the disorganisation has piled up so much that it seems impossible to start to tackle to rectify.
• I had a tough week last week.  These weeks happen.
• For some reason, this particular week made my trail of destruction feel like it came to a head.
• I didn't cope too well with this.
• For the first time in a very long time, I spoke up.  I told people how I was feeling.  And I actually asked for help/support.
• I retreated and freaked the hell out because I had made myself so vulnerable.
• When I dared to open my eyes, I realised that the world didn't end just because I had spoken up.  In fact, it was the opposite.
• I had people: friends; extend their love to me: via comments on Facebook, comments on my blog, SMS's, private messages, on my wall, emails, phone calls, and even in person on my doorstep.  No-one shut me down.  No-one made me feel like I was annoying/a burden/a dickhead like I assumed.
• I did some intensive soul searching.  I realised that I lied in my blog post the other night.  It wasn't intentional, and it wasn't malicious: but I was lying to myself.  I said that it wasn't about being perfect.  IT WAS.  I have still been trying to be that 'All or Nothing girl'.  If I can't do everything then I may as well do nothing.  I am passionate and wear my heart on my sleeve and give everything my all.  I don't do things half-hearted.  This is just who I am.  And this is why it's hard. :)
• I realised that I have lost so much confidence in myself over the past year.  I realised that this is what has been lacking.  I need control back in my life but I can't do this if I don't believe I can do it!
• I realised a huge lesson: that we will never 'get it'.  We'll 'get' things - many things - all the time.  Some huge things.  But the 'getting' of things will continue.  Always.  The end of our rainbow isn't about having all of the answers.
• As for it being Week 2 of Round 1 and me not being on track yet, well I can change that right now.  Ok so I didn't start the round off ideally.  I can choose to wallow in this fact or I can choose to kickstart it from here on in.  And go hard.
• I worked out that it's not worth 'fixing' some things, or going back.  Some things I just have to accept that that is how they are now and then move forward.  It should be about creating, not rectifying.

Life happens.  I screwed up.  I need to get over that and start designing and creating my future instead of trying to fix my past mistakes.  I'm letting it go and reminding myself that I'll screw up again.  Because apparently I'm not perfect and I can never be.  Relief of pressure there, I must say!  And if I don't feel strong enough, I can ask to hold someones hand.  And they will and they won't mind!  #thisisanewconcept


Thanks everyone for your support  - thanks doesn't seem enough.  Tomorrow's a new day.  Next blog post = how I am getting back on track.

It's time to say goodbye to the things that are dragging me down, and hello to how I would like my life to be.  My future's pretty awesome, I have to say.  Because I get to create it.  #justsaying.

I have been embarrassed and mortified this week by being so honest. I feel opened up and vulnerable to no end. But:

--It's refreshing to admit that despite the fact that I love wearing my cape, I am not actually Supergirl (shhh).

--It's comforting and 10+ years worth of healing to know that I am not actually alone. I truly thought I was.

--It's relieving to acknowledge that I will never be perfect and never actually have all of the answers.

--And it's inspiring to allow myself to open myself up to life's possibilities.

My friend said to me yesterday "you need to write yourself a map to get to the end of the rainbow."

I panicked as I didn't have one!

There's no need to panic- that map is at the tips of my fingers and up to me to create: As best I can with how things are. A true Supergirl #isntactuallyperfect. :)

My most uninspiring post: The A+ Girl and pizza shops

This is the post that almost wasn’t.  It initially was: I wrote it and then I published it.

But I was unsure.  I sat there for 1-2 hours freaking out.  The post didn’t make sense.  And anyway, what kind of person who’s losing weight eats PIZZA, takes a photo and then publishes it for all to see?  Seriously Kate – you’ve told people you have an issue with food.  Do you really need to give them photo evidence as well??  And what kind of person admits to having 20635 undealt with emails and 124 unread SMS’s?  You already know you’re disorganised and a bad friend at the moment, do you really need to remind people?

And more importantly: do you really need to tell people that you’re struggling a bit at the moment?  Isn’t it nicer to just smile and not tell people you’re sad?  Isn’t it easier to be fake and say you’ll work it out when you have no idea how to?  Hell, yeah, it is.  So I took the post down.  45 people had read it at the time: I checked.  Okay – that’s embarrassingly 45 people – but at least it won’t be any more.  I can stop it now.  I’ll just replace it with a generic “I’m struggling but I won’t tell you why” post.  Yeah, that’s a good idea.

That generic post was hard enough to put out there.  I woke up this morning feeling like years ago when I’d have had a big drunken night then wake up and lie there and think ‘what did I do?!’  But instead of drunken shenanigens, this was about me opening up, completely sober.  Instead of vodka induced table top dancing, I was wincing over telling people how I feel.  What’s worse? 

There may be a bit of shame in the aftermath of a drunken night, but there shouldn’t be with something like this.

___________________


High school.
No, we don't want to go there.  The stomping ground of all things growing up.  Yuck.

We're not delving into teenage Kate, don't worry.  But there's this aspect of school that has got me thinking.  In my early high school years I may or may not have been a library monitor, co-founder and Editor of my grade's newsletter and founder and President of the School Environment Club.

Shhhhh.  You did not read that here.  *cough* #cananyonesaygeek *cough*  Yes, I was that girl.

Academically I did pretty well.  I was, on the most part, a straight A student.  Speech Night academic, cultural and community awards, charity door knocks and readathons, Lions Youth of the Year, musicals, Rock Eisteddfod, student host, school fashion parade, Student Representative Council rep, School Council rep, school magazine, etc. etc. etc.  You get the picture.  If it was offered, I didn't just have my hand up, I helped organise it.

There was one particular school assignment that I did that I have never forgotten.  I got an 'A' for it.  Someone said to me: "Well done.  Why didn't you get an A+?"  

I'm pretty sure they were joking, but there's usually an element of truth to every joke...  And the issue here isn't that person, it's the fact that since around then, I ask myself that same thing.

I think about that assignment now and again.  School is now long, long gone but I've realised through my adult life that I do that the 'A+ question thing' to myself all the time.  I aim really high and get down on myself if I don't reach a certain perceived level.  Level of what?  To be honest, it's actually not perfection - or success.  I fail all the time.  At heaps of things.  I've learnt to embrace failure and I really like that.

What I do however, is put expectations on myself.  I must be this ____ by this ____ and do this ____ to be ok.  Great personal expectations.

Many of them are unrealistic.  So I don't achieve them.  Then I get down on myself.  And I feel bad.  #stupidroutine

This week is no different.  I thought Week 1 of my 4th round would be pretty awesome.  I always get inspired at finales and this one was the best ever.  So hello?  What an awesome week should follow.  That, together with what I've learnt, meant that I expected myself to be in a different place right now.  I assumed I'd be in a place where I was highly organised.

Instead, I've had a shit week.  Finalemelanostia / finale crash has been hard enough.  I got back to work on Tuesday after an awesome weekend and found out my job is ending.  (Life of a contractor).  #helloagainreallife.

I ended up back in hospital on Friday night for something that I think was unrelated to last weeks incident.  Doctors don't know - who knows?  I just know I've been, and am still, in pain, and it's very frustrating.

I haven't had a chance to do pre-season yet or set my goals for the round.  I went off track with my nutrition in between rounds and have let it continue.  I 'meant' to relax with food for 1-2 days.  Instead I ate really badly across finale weekend.  I'm pretty sure pizza from a kebab shop at 2am after cocktails wasn't on 'the plan'.  Nor was the burger and chips I had for Sunday lunch.  I don't know why I'm making out like it was two meals - the whole week was bad.  I picked it back up again but then I've let this weeks stuff get to me and I've fallen immediately back into bad habits.  I had takeaway pizza the other night: WHY?  It seemed Mish asked me the same question.  As I was leaving after picking it up, I noticed the number plate of the car outside the pizza shop.  SERIOUSLY MISH. HOW DOES SHE DO THIS??

Mish is officially magic.

I know better than this which is what disappoints me.

2am kebab shop pizza.  Really?

I thought I could have a little break and relax - clearly I have not yet learnt this lesson or the meaning of moderation.  And that really annoys me.  Surely I should have it sorted by now?  I realised the other day that I keep making these references and grand statements here that I finally 'got it'.  How many times can you 'get it', Kate?  Really, now.  Maybe we never really 'get' everything?  Maybe everything is a process.

I'm also riding the disorganised wave from the events of last year and I'm letting that really affect me.  It makes me feel sick because I haven't been there for my friends.  And I haven't been there for me.  This isn't how I like to live/operate.  I don't like myself when I'm like this.  I feel like I'm forever playing catch up and not actually moving forward.  This isn't who I am.  I let last years stuff mess me over and I've just been coping as best I can.

This, and other stuff, makes me sad.

I wrote on my personal Facebook status the other day: "Maybe some things aren't meant to be fixed."  On the surface, that refers to the mess that I've made.  In a few darker moments this week, the meaning went a little deeper.

This has got to be the most uninspiring post that I've ever written so I apologise.  I was honest with some friends today about how I was feeling.  I feel sick about being honest and speaking up.  But maybe.....

--Maybe I am right and things aren't meant to be fixed -- but new things can be created instead.
--Maybe it's ok to accept that things are too far gone and it's time to look to the future rather than rectifying the past.  "The past is a place of reference, not a place of residence."
--Maybe my expectations need to be more 'realistic' rather than 'greater'.  
--Maybe an "A" is even better than an "A+" -- simply because it is what it is.  It's about the acceptance rather than the grade.
--Maybe my friends were right today when they said it's ok to tell people how you're feeling.  I'm a clear open book when it comes to everything in my life, except for things like this.  I asked for help when I was 18 and I was a mess when I didn't get it.  I swore I'd never ask again.
--Maybe I can ask again.

I'm not feeling great.

The best yellow dress I've ever worn

 

Here it is, my Week 12 Yellow Dress photo!!  Thanks everyone for following the journey of the yellow dress.  To be honest a lot of the success was you guys.  I made myself accountable here to make this happen and your encourgement spurred me on.  I can't tell you how exciting it was to be able to wear it at finale weekend.  I didn't end up getting a Week 11 photo as I had to take the dress to a dressmaker to repair the zip!  I had tried to pull the zip up one too many times it seems, as the zip holder broke off in Week 11.  Whoops!

All good though, the zip was reattached, the dress was ironed for me (!) and I wore it with so much pride on Sunday.  It's been a fun thing to do and so rewarding.  Some of my 12WBT soul sisters have started up their own yellow dress challenge :)  They don't necessarily have a yellow dress (although beautiful Maz does!) but they have something that they'd like to fit into.  Everyone should have a 'yellow dress'.

What's yours?

Thanks, yellow dress supporters :) xxoo 

Those "I can't believe I am here" moments": BRISBANE FINALE

WOW.

Brisbane finale AKA #bestfinaleever is officially over.

What a weekend.

#icannotbelieveiamhere

I mentioned last week that I find myself in situations sometimes where I just think "how on earth did I get here" or "I can't believe I am in this very moment."  You know those surreal and unreal moments where you let yourself take it all in just for a few seconds and you just think "REALLY?  I am here?"  My moment last week was finding myself crying in hospital.  My moment from this weekend was finding myself resting my head on Mish's shoulder, onstage, looking out to a crowd of 1000+ people in a beautiful room with fairy lights, being filmed and photographed while people clapped.  I let myself take that in for a few seconds as I looked out with my head on an angle.  And wow.  What a surreal moment.

Obviously those are two completely opposite moments, and it goes without saying which was the better of the two.  Potential surgery or cuddles with Mish?  No answer required. :)

Before that moment though, there was an exciting lead up.  My finale weekend began on Thursday night when I had a spray tan fail.  I ended up completely black - I am extremely fair skinned so this was a bit of a shock!  As I was taking selfies of my new (extremely) dark skin to show my friends after I got home, I saw something worse - check out my forehead!

#spraytanfail

That is NOT a shadow - that is the tan!  I didn't push the hair band back far enough and this is the result.  I wasn't impressed that the salon let me leave looking like this!  But after a few showers and a bit of scrubbing, it was ok.  And the 'black' washed off and I liked my tan in the end.

#event#1: Rainy day on the Kangaroo Point stairs

But back to the story.  Straight after the spray tan fail happened, I had to go out to Big W.  I wasn't feeling remotely good about myself.  I had the tan tiger stripe across my forehead ala the picture above, I was pretty black, I wasn't wearing a bra in public for the first time since I was probably 13 (because of the tan), I was wearing a stripey jumper over a paisley dress in a hideous clothing mismatch attempt to cover the fact I was not wearing a bra.  I had ZERO makeup on and fuzzy, unstyled hair.  Oh, and I found out later I also had tan dripping down my neck.  I was one classy chick.

I was in the underwear section looking like this and actually clutching my stomach (ongoing pain from last week) and feeling overall pretty awful when I got an email saying I was in the 12WBT Round 4 Top 20! I suddenly didn't care about the tan dripping down my neck or being bra-less - I was in the Top 20!  I put my hand over my mouth and didn't know what to do: complete overwhelment.  I ended up calling Cathy: long time friend, the person who introduced me to 12WBT and someone who helps me make sense of stuff.

It was the best experience I've ever had and most likely will ever have in the Big W underwear section. ;)  I just strolled aimlessly through the bras and undies while I chatted to Cathy, grinning like a Cheshire cat.  I ended up being in Big W for an hour and a half after receiving that email.  I was so stunned, overwhelmed, excited and was now completely unfocussed.  I suddenly had no idea what I went into Big W for and was just staring at everything, dazy eyed.  My stripey forehead and hippy clothing fail were distant memories.  I was so extremely honoured and very excited.

And the weekend was that crazy ever since that moment.

I always love to #doalltheevents and this weekend was no different.  Between official 12WBT events, events that the QLD Crew had put together for our interstate family, appointments, catch ups and all round craziness, it felt like we had 62 events to attend.  And I did it all.

QLD Crew



Friday was a blur of doing the Kangaroo Point stairs in the rain, a couple of airport pick ups and meeting the most awesome 12WBT girls, appointments, reunion lunch, last minute eye brow waxing, rushing home for extremely last minute packing, a massive boot camp session run by Margie, Adam and Damo, more reunions, getting changed from training gear into a little white dress in a bar bathroom, welcome party soiree and being entertained by the beautiful Kate Mackie, more reunions and the meeting of more awesome people, an impromptu photo shoot on a street corner pretending to be Marilyn, running through a very dark New Farm Park at some strange hour in hysterical laughter with Ruth to rescue my sunglasses and water bottle that I left in a tree at boot camp, finally arriving at the hotel we stayed in for the weekend, a late night drive in my pyjamas to the bottle shop and painting the most dodgiest sign at some strange hour of the night where I confirmed that I am not good at arts and crafts.  I now have green paint on my pyjama pants.  It was an awesome day and we weren’t even at Finale Day yet.

Marilyn in New Farm

I kicked off Saturday with parkrun at South Bank.  It was so good!  I didn’t know if I could do it.  I always do this to myself with runs now – this is how my thoughts go: I don’t think I can do it -- I know I’m going to try it regardless -- I worry about my anxiety/breathing issue -- I do the anxiety/breathing issue -- I calm down -- I do the run and don’t stop -- then I marvel at myself that I completed it.  Every single time.  Douche :)  This run was fantastic because like a few of my recent runs, I felt like I was in this bubble of support.  Leanne, Colleen and Ruth ran alongside me the entire way and helped me with my technique.  I did do my anxiety/breathing thing but having them there and doing what they suggested helped and I was ok.  It was great and the best thing was as I found out later, I achieved one of my goals of running 5km in under 45min.!  My last 5km run time was about 46min., and this run I was surprised to see 41:53!



It was then off to the 30+ Crew breaky, a whole room full of just amazing women.  I ate half of my breaky but was too distracted catching up with everyone to feel like eating.  Then we went straight next door to the finale workout!  This has always been my favourite part of the weekend and it didn’t disappoint.  We cheered like maniacs for the amazing Ute who was in the fitness challenge and won her heat!  I even had this last minute crazy notion to join in on the burpees mini fitness challenge!  Then it was time for Operation QLD Crew Surprise #1.



Me doing the burpee mini fitness challenge.  Thanks to the amazing Paisley for getting on the ground herself to spur me on! x



Me with the lovely Bagpipe Joe

QLD Crew had organised to make a grand entrance into the workout.  We hired a professional bagpiper, organised banners for all of the sub crews that we have, then had a secret meeting place organised to congregate to put on blue face paint and blue spray paint ‘QLD’ on our arms.  The planning originated as a type of rendition from the movie ‘Braveheart’ – and ended up being moreso of a grand entrance and incredible moment for this massive crew.  I held the banner for 30+ QLD with the beautiful Donna and as 12WBT opened the door for us, we marched in as one group, a myriad of banners, smiles and cheers against Scottish bagpipes.  It was amazing and so emotional!  We went straight into the workout and it was awesome as usual.  Group photos then back to the hotel to wash the blue ‘off’ and ‘out’ ready for the party!  I may or may not have missed washing my elbows…but thank goodness I have friends who are mums.

Donna and I holding the banner

I ate a handful of grapes on the run and then still with wet hair, rushed to my hair and makeup appointment with the amazing team from De Ross Artistry.  It was so nice to sit down, be told to relax, be handed a glass of champagne, catch up with friends, check my Facebook and have people style me :)  Back to the hotel and by now I had started to relax.  I had been so nervous about getting up on stage – every time someone said the word ‘catwalk’, my legs went like jelly.  I got Hollywood taped into my dress, butterfly necklace clasped, borrowed earrings and ring on, shoes slipped into, drink down, photos taken and I was ready and fairly calm.

Thanks for the pic/tweet 12WBT :)

When I got to finale the nerves hit again.  I had half an hour before I had to meet at the side of the stage so I decided to line up for a drink to settle me.  I chatted to Heather from 12WBT in the line and in passing conversation I mentioned that I’d had half my breakfast and some grapes all day – the lovely girl immediately walked off, found a platter of sushi and walked it personally back over to me to eat, Kate, eat.  So lovely.
 

Somehow I made it onstage without too much nervous jelly legs, and I stood alongside some amazing girls (and guy).  I didn’t win a prize up there but I actually won on Thursday when I found out about the Top 20.  As if changing my life wasn’t prize enough, the Top 20 was just the (fat and sugar free) icing on the cake and I didn’t need any more.  We moved onto the group photo with Mish and this is where that moment happened.  I was feeling amazing and felt so much support – I had my friends out there, 30+ Crew, QLD Crew, some of my trainers, heaps of boot campers from both of my boot camps, other friends tuned into the live feed online.  There was so much support and I just stepped back from myself for a second as I looked out and had this little moment.  If someone had told me about this a year ago, I wouldn’t have believed them.  My head happening to rest into Mish’s neck was circumstantial, I don’t actually make a habit of nuzzling into people onstage!  But it was very lovely.

Being able to wear the black one shoulder dress

The rest of the party was awesome, everyone is agreeing that it really was the best finale ever.  After the party I found myself moving onto a cocktail bar and ended up back at our hotel with some crazy cool gals, climbing fences to get into the closed hot tub / spa until we got kicked out by security like naughty school kids.  Fun night :)

Sunday was a culmination of bacon, meetings, burgers, Japanese and sitting in a white singlet with my college girls in the hot tub with our very own pool boy.  (Don’t ask).  Monday was saying goodbye day :(  I did a road trip with the awesome Sailor Vee, had lunch at the Gold Coast, dropped into NSW for 2min. on our way to the airport.  And then it was over. :(

I’m in finale-high-comedown stage aka Finalemelanostia aka post finale crash at the moment; real life is initially really boring in comparison.  But no time to wallow, it’s officially Round 1 as of yesterday!

Ready and on our way

And I am so not ready!  I haven’t done my pre-season tasks, I haven’t even visited the forums yet.  I haven’t been grocery shopping or looked at the meal or exercise plans, I have done nothing.  That's a whole other post for another day - I will update as soon as I get out of my comedown stage.

For now I'm just catching up on sleep and messages and smiling at a fantastic finale weekend.  Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement and for those who made my finale weekend so special and so much fun.  And thanks 12WBT for the best finale ever.  

Hope you're having a great Week 1 - you can do this xo

P.S. Thanks to Rhonda, Jillian, Colleen, 12WBT and everyone else whose photos I have borrowed :)

Just before we entered

Me with the awesome Bec x

With beautiful Court xo

My sunnies and bottle left in the tree

At the start of parkrun

Hair and makeup done.  Next step: DRESS!

#rockstars

The 30+ crew with Mish

Do all the stats!

We had our last weigh in for Week 12 today - so here's a short and sweet post about my stats.  Just a few sleeps till finale and we're all gearing up for an amazing weekend.  DO ALL THE EVENTS!  DO EVERYTHING!

DO ALL THE STATS!

• 2.2kg lost this week
• 19.3kg & 63.3cm lost this round
• 35.9kg lost overall
• As of today hit 25% overall loss, hit a new BMI category and am no longer Severely Obese, only Obese!

 

I’m addicted to selfies and the word ‘Triathlon’ turns me on

Hi :)



So it’s Week 12.  I’ve been doing a bit of thinking and have been trying to get myself out of my mini mental slump.  I’ve been like this for a couple of weeks and it’s not very fun.  Yes, life happens, our support networks change, boot camp fields get flooded, and we cry ourselves to sleep over boyfriends and potential surgery.  But we can’t stay down.  Well, we can ------ but that’s not a very nice place to be.



Left is me at a friends birthday in June – I look happy here but I was depressed, uncomfortable, embarrassed and wearing my ‘good black outfit’.  Right is me at a friends birthday last night.



I’m not feeling crash hot – I’m still a bit sad, still a bit in pain, still a bit lost and still annoyed at the stupid fluid in my stomach and how I’ve reacted (read: self-sabotaged) to counteract this small hiccup.  BUT.  I decided I can’t stay like this so I have to change.



 

Me dressed as Britney for a party last week.  Baby, one more time.

 Week 12 is always a week of self-assessment.  We look at how we’ve gone, we judge our performance, we crunch figures.  And then, next Monday, it continues and it's like a mini fresh start.  Whether we’re doing Week 1 of 12WBT or continuing on our own, life goes on as it always does.



Some ways that I hold my pants up.  You know when they say to wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident?  Well they should say the same of wearing safety pins on pants.  It was embarrassing showing this in hospital!

 I decided that this week for me will be Transition Week.  I’m going to check in with myself with how I’ve travelled through Round 4, enjoy myself this weekend in celebration of it, and get to work on setting myself up for next week and beyond.  I’m not going to obsess over this round, instead I’m going to look at it, learn from it, and smile about it.  Because I feel good about it.  It wasn’t perfect and I certainly wasn’t perfect.  At the start of the round I wrote this post: Aiming for the moon: The Plan.  And I did.  I didn’t reach the moon but the adage is true, I instead fell amongst the stars.



:)

 Some things that have changed / happened:

• I didn’t lose the total amount of weight that I wanted to, but I still lost a lot of kg’s and cm’s.  I’m in a whole state better than I was 12 weeks ago.
• I improved my fitness ten – or eleven (!) fold.  I did my Week 12 fitness test yesterday morning.  My stats are here but I’m really proud of my time trial.  In June I started out with 10:21.  4 weeks ago my result was 7:23.  And yesterday it was 6:47.  I wasn’t in a good state afterwards but I pushed it and was so excited to get under 7min.
• This round, things finally ‘clicked’.  And more importantly, I realised that they will continue to ‘click’.



Things are so different.



• I let go of my long standing weight goal and developed a slightly more realistic mindset about it.
• I became obsessed with selfies!  Seriously – I’ve always taken a lot of photos, but I think I have an issue!  Since the start of January, I have found myself taking selfies non stop!  Everywhere – in the bathroom mirror, in shop windows, in the lift at work, in hospital, at the SES, while walking – you name it, I would have taken a photo.  I’m also obsessed with creating before and after collages.  I have so many!  I would be so embarrassed if anyone went through my phone!  There’s photos of me….me….and me….!  I guess it’s kind of like that movie “Suddenly 30” where Jennifer Garner’s character suddenly goes from being 13 to 30 years old and she keeps looking at her newly developed chest.  Ok, I’ve always known that I have boobs (!) but it’s like I’m suddenly looking at how I look now and trying to be comfortable with this as my body changes.



Selfie in the work elevator.  Like I seem to do every day!



• I played. I played a lot. :)
• I finally accepted that if you need to wear safety pins, bobby pins, clips and office bulldog clips to hold your pants up/on, you probably shouldn’t be wearing them.
• I cry when boot camp is cancelled.  Yes – as you know, I do.  I used to cry if I was forced to run for the train (because I wouldn’t – that was the point, and then I'd miss the train).  Now, boot camp is the highlight of my day.  Every day.  And sometimes twice a day. :)
• I gained a little more self confidence, self belief and self respect.
• I get excited when I see tractor tyres and sledgehammers in my trainers cars.
• I’m slowly learning what the words ‘moderation’, ‘self-acceptance’, ‘rest day’ and ‘consistency’ mean.



Pics of the flood at work.



• I fit into the yellow dress!  And the black one shoulder dress!
• I set myself a mini milestone / goal / challenge each week.  I did some awesome things!  I didn’t get every single thing done.
• And I am ok with that.



I saw this BUPA ad on a bus stop while I was walking the other day :)



• I get turned on (excited!) when I see the word ‘triathlon’ or ‘fun run’ or see a new fitness event promoted.
• I went from running 5km to 11km non stop!
• I realised just how strong I am.
• I managed to do push-ups on my toes.
• I shared undies photos – and not just any undies photos, before and current undies photos!
• At various times I found myself barefoot, injured, with no pride, devastated, frustrated, lost, hurt, sleepless, and I came out ok.
• I climbed, ran, hobbled, ran, skipped, and crawled my way through events, obstacle courses, running tracks and the work corridor at 3am.

And, the most important thing I did, was:

• I worked hard and did my best.

And that’s all I can ask of myself.



My body measurements where I started - where I am now - and where I aim to be.

 Week 12 is a funny week, in a way it is shorter, we have finale, and everyone’s starting to focus on Week 1 of the next round.  And I’m going to also do that.  I’ll work hard for the rest of it and have a ball at finale, but I’m going to start to focus on my next round and beyond.  I’m not in a perfect state but as long as I keep trying, that’s all I can ever do.  I’m proud of myself and I know that I did my best.  But Round 4 is over.  Eyes to the future; let the planning begin.  I told someone yesterday to fake it till they make it and I think I should take my own advice.  I may not feel 100% but I’ll just pretend.  Besides, the 100% is inside me.



It was traumatic wearing this bridesmaid dress at the time.  And this wasn’t even at my biggest.

 I've got so many goals, dreams and plans and it's time to focus on these. We always need to reset. I'll blog soon about my goals for Round 1 and what I'm going to put in place for myself to help me achieve these. Round 4 is finishing. I'll remember this 11-12 weeks as a period of immense personal growth for myself.

And if I ever forget what this round has been about or what I have done, I have 1796 selfies to remind me. :)

Have a great week everyone :)