How I ran 11km

Before the run!

So, I ran 11km day yesterday.  Non stop.  11 KILOMETRES!  Can you believe it?  I can.  And here’s why.

Because I believed that I could.

I did the Activ8 Change Resolution Run.  It’s a charity based fun run that has 2 options: 5.5km and 11km.  I heard about it last year and without thinking too much about it, added it to my ‘list of things I’m going to do’.  I still love to #doalltheevents. ;)

I chose the 11km option because it was a good challenge.  I knew I could do 5km now, so I thought I’d try the bigger one.  It’s also in line with my goal to run a half marathon in July.  Then I hurt myself so things changed.  I was looking forward to doing it but I wasn’t excited because I hadn’t been able to train for it because of my ankle.  I only started slowly being able to run again this fortnight after 2 months of being on crutches, in a moon boot and in a general total running hiatus.  So in the lead up I was in a bit of a ‘meh – whatever’ frame of mind.  I was annoyed that I couldn’t give it my all, and that I hadn’t been able to train like I would have usually chosen to.  I had planned to be able to run at least 7km non stop by now.

Like that was going to happen.

I need more arm space

But like its name states, I thought it would be a good run to kick off my year with.  Resolution Run: I make goals, not resolutions – but the idea was the same.  I thought I’d start the year how I intended to continue it.  Even if I had to walk most of it.  And I was doing it with the lovely Courtney who writes Sporadic Buckets.  So I pepped up and decided to just have fun with Court, see my 12WBT mates who were also doing it, and just give it a go.  If anything, 11km would be the longest distance that I had ever walked.

I had to work 9pm – 5am the night before, so I didn’t get to rest up prior, but I felt fine once the sun rose – albeit extremely nervous for some reason!

Some of the QLD Crew

It didn’t matter what I wore but for some reason I had a “everything makes me look fat” moment in the work bathroom while getting dressed before heading off to the event.  In the end, after multiple changes of the clothes that I brought along and a lot of being precious, I ended up wearing the dirty shirt I wore through the night at work!  Far out.  Partly because I needed to and partly because I’m an idiot, I ended up wearing 6 layers on my chest.  It was slightly unintentional and slightly unavoidable, but stupid all the same. ;)  Put that together with my Polar strap and my Spi-belt, and by the time I got to the Start line I felt like I was being crushed by a cobra.  One day in a future fun run, I’m going to wear a sports bra ONLY.  Not because I can, but simply to make up for doing this run wrapped like an Egyptian Mummy.

2013 is my year!

I said earlier that I did this because I believed that I could.  I didn’t believe I could in the lead up.  No way.  I thought I’d be lucky to run 1km – that was my estimated maximum distance I could handle on my ankle.  I assumed most of it would be walked.  I also had my breathing fear thing going on: I was terrified I’d panic about breathing while running again.  Being dressed like a Mummy wasn’t helping this!

Clothes, ankle and breathing issues under a very hot sun, and we were on our way.  When I managed to run all the way to the 1km mark, I decided that I was going to run to the 7km mark and then continue running to the 11km end.  I told Court (and myself!) that I would just try.  But deep inside I knew that I would.  Oh yeah, just add 10km to that.  What the??  There was so much against me, namely a very weak and recently un-trained ankle. 

But I wanted to.

So I did it.

 

2013 is my year.  And Court's!



It wasn’t easy!  I’ve had a sore back for a week and it was hurting; I got a side stitch early on.  The breathing thing started when I ran up inclines.  It was mentally tough to have to go back for another loop once we’d reached the end of the 5.5km.  There was a lot of head talk, too.  I couldn’t run 11km, my biggest distance was 5km.  You can’t more than double things like that!  Who cares if I’ve done just that before!  My ankle would probably start hurting.  I should have signed up for the 5.5km and been smart.  Speaking of smart, it felt like it was about 40 degrees.  We were coming very last.  We cheered each time we saw that markers or marshals remained on the course.  This is the 3^rd time this had happened to me in a major sporting event.  The last two times I broke down.  That’s what I do.  Blah, blah, blah BLAH.



But something inside me knew that I would do it.  It took me ages to admit to Courtney what I was going to try to do.  I don’t think I even 100% admitted it to myself.  Because I could fail.  And I probably couldn’t do it anyway.  I had so much stacked against me, you see. ;)

But when you have this fierce thing inside of you that believes in yourself, those other things mean nothing.

I know who I am.

I didn’t do it by myself by any means.  Courtney was right by my side the whole way.  She even touched a pressure point in my back to get me up a small hill.  I don’t think she even knew about my breathing thing and this helped me so much.  She was this constant presence of support.  It was so comforting not doing this by myself.  Our other 12WBT friends who we saw at the Start line, on the course and who cheered us over the Finish line all spurred me on.  Friends from my online runners group had given me advice which I thought of while running.  My training and transformation improved my fitness so that I could do this.  In June I almost collapsed after running for 200 metres.  That’s all I could manage.  And here I was, 7 months later running 11km!  Even Jessica Watson indirectly helped!  We ran past her docked boat, “Ella’s Pink Lady” and I said to Court: if Jess Watson can sail around the world, we can do this 11km.

But ultimately it was me who made it happen.  It was my legs, and my brain that kept moving my legs.  After testing the waters at the start, I then knew I could do it.  And that steely determination saw me through.  Things had the potential to stop me.  But I refused to let them – I had to block them out.  I don’t know if Court saw him, but there was a man who was in a potentially creepily close proximity behind us when we were in a lonely spot under a bridge.  I was so determined to get to the finish line without stopping that my initial thought when I noticed him was that of a grit determination of ‘there is no way you are catching us, we are getting to this finish line!  Get lost!’  I of course kept my absolute wits about him too, but that was my very first thought!  Complete focus!

When we had made it 5km

And 100 metres from the finish line, we held hands and we ran across together.  We got given left over prizes (I got given a pink jersey!) and endless apples and water at the end.  The crew were lovely.  We beat our goal time by well over 10 minutes.  We ended up coming very last and I have been in a world of pain since the moment I ran through that finish banner, but we finished and I didn’t even care about all of that.

We walked to the car and said to each other that we can’t believe we had conquered that.  We had our own personal goals and we both smashed our own.  I was overwhelmed that I did it.  I went from 200 metres in June, straight to 1km in August, straight to 5km in September, couldn’t run in November and December at all, and now had just ran 11km without stopping.  I apparently don't do things gradually....  I didn’t even know that was possible.  I really thought I was surprised I did it.  But I realised later that I wasn’t at all.  I knew that I would do it all along.

After years of ‘trying’, recovering, testing the waters if this was ‘safe’ for me and then making a decision to do something, all that was left was to believe in myself.  If things interrupt you, you have to block them out and keep running your own race.  It doesn’t matter if you come last, as long as you try, and as long as you stay true and honest.  You can only do it for yourself.  When you want something strong enough and get that true grit inside of yourself, nothing will stop you.

Absolute focus on what’s important.

The parallel moral of this story in terms of other struggles we are all going through was not accidentally written.

Believe in yourself.

It's actually that simple.

xx

Those who come last get left over prizes!

Court and I

My medal, pink jersey, star, bib and shoes

Keep going

Hi!

So we’re on the eve of Week 9 and there’s under 4 weeks to go for Round 4.  This round has absolutely flown by.  I’ve been neglecting to update how I’m going with my goals for this round AKA my personal weekly milestones.  I mentioned that this week I made a few specific, extra goals.  I’m really excited about them and am working hard to achieve them – but I have goals coming out of my ears and I just need to stop, take a breath, reassess and reset.  I said I’d reassess goals every 4 weeks so here we go!



IT FITS!



I’ve achieved some goals and just tonight achieved one of my Week 12 goals, to fit into my black one shoulder dress!  I hadn’t tried it on since I set the goal at the start of the round, so I thought I would try it on to see how it was going.  AND IT FITS!  I am so excited.  I have to actually wear it out but I am just happy it does up.  When I last tried it on, it wasn’t even close to zipping up.

There’s a lot of goals and ‘keeping me on track goals’ that I have to jump on top of and make happen.  I’ve had to reschedule / postpone a lot for a combination of reasons.  Some internal excuses (or should I say ultimate slackness!) but there has been some external, unavoidable excuses too.  I’ve just gone through and rescheduled the goals that I haven’t done yet.  This week I have promised myself that I will get re-organised so this will all feed into that.  I have a bit more work to do to make these things happen but I thought I’d give an update on where I am at with them.  You can see my table below and I'll update my Goals page above soon.

I’ve been speaking to a few friends this week about goals: predominately in relation to 12WBT.  I’ve noticed some people on Facebook and in the forums getting really down on themselves for not achieving what they wanted by now.  Some have had old habits return, or old ghosts revisit.  I can’t stress enough to them that this is ok.  We put so much pressure on ourselves to perform: in all areas of life.  The only truth is, that we are not perfect.  We try to be and want to be, but we are not, and can be.  Once we let go of this, it gives us the freedom to fail and stand up again.

There’s a recent Australian quit smoking campaign (apparently, I never saw it) that reminds people that it may take a few times to quit smoking.  Not to give up.  Maybe it will take 12 attempts.  Ultimately the first 11 attempts are needed, for the 12^th to work.  It took me 3 attempts to quit smoking myself.  But the third time was ‘the’ one.

 

The same with weight loss, and any goals.  We need to be a bit kinder to ourselves.  These goals that I have listed here – heaps of them are overdue!  That’s ok though, I’m just resetting and replanning.  I’ll eventually get there.  Just like it may take us 4, or 45 attempts at losing weight. 

I have not had a perfect round of 12WBT so far.  I stuff up all the time.  All the time!  But we need to remember that we need those failures and ‘stuff ups’ in order to grow, and in order to ultimately get ahead.  And over time, those ‘stuff ups’ truly get less and less.

We can take steps backward all the time, it’s ok.  As long as we keep moving forward in between.  2 steps forward and 1 step back is still 1 step forward.

Go easy on yourselves: you’re on the right track.

Keep going.

Lotsa love, Coco xxoo



That pretty cool moment when things start to 'click'

That moment...I've had so many this week!  What a week.

I started 12WBT 7 months ago.  And finally this week things started to 'click'.  I can't even pinpoint what exactly has.  But something has changed.  And it's bloody awesome.

A large part of my last week was to do with what I have dubbed: "my naked photos".  When I started 12WBT I took photos in my underwear as most of us do.  I always wondered if I'd ever share them with anyone outside of 12WBT Admin.  I saw my friends posting their photos, in the forums, in Facebook groups, on their Facebook wall some of them (!), Twitter etc. and thought they were amazingly courageous (and still think this!)

I thought maybe one day I would have the courage to do this too.  I didn't know when, but I knew one day I would like to be brave and be 'ok with it' and show them to someone.  I assumed that would be a long, long time away. :)

Last week I compared some photos of myself - photos in my undies, taken at my extreme heaviest; another photo taken in November, and last week.  And for the first real time since starting this, I thought I could see a difference.  I have terrible body dysmorphia so I always have trouble distinguishing between photos of myself.  But I *thought* these ones showed a difference.

I don't know how, or why, but I decided that this might be time for Operation Public Undies Photos.

But I was so scared!  NO-ONE SEES ME IN MY UNDERWEAR.  Seriously, no-one.  It helps being single!  See, I really mean no-one!  Once I was on stage in a play in my underwear but that was boy legs and a singlet top ensemble so it didn't really count.  Sometimes people may see my naked back when I get dressed in theatre dressing rooms.  But that is the absolute extent of it!

These photos were a double whammy: they were my before photos, which I have never shown, and they are in my underwear!  In my mind, I felt naked.  I may as well have been!  So, fat + 'naked'.

I wanted to do it but was terrified.  I wanted to share it in the 30+ page.  I waited until I was 200% sure that I was making an extremely conscious decision: this was not something to be taken lightly.  The word privacy is not synonymous with the Internet.  Closed group, shmosed group.  This was a forever thing.  And from an immediate sense, I was terrified of people seeing me this way.  I had a very real fear that people would be offended by my photos because they were so gross, and report me to Facebook for offensive material, or (worse), tell me so.  I didn't even know WHY I wanted to do this.

I finally decided to do it, and as I was posting them, a beautiful friend messaged me a quote:

"The truth will set you free."

Instantly, I knew why I was doing this.  That quote: that was the reason.  I needed to accept and recognise, and once this was done, I would be free.

And I was. :)  Actually uploading them was petrifying, I worked myself up so unbelievably much that I felt a bit faint and had to lie down for a while.  Silly girl!  But people were so kind, so encouraging, and I got heaps of the most beautiful comments.

After I calmed down, I felt great.  I had done it.  And now, a few days later, I am still ok with it.  They're out there now.  And that's ok as it was a conscious decision I made to do this.  And it was completely liberating.  No more secrets :)

Aside from the undies photos, a few other things have just shifted within me.  I have been feeling more confident about myself.  It's like my head caught up slightly with my body.  I am completely no way even close to goal, but it's kind of like a special mid-way point.  A mid-way point where I've currently got this amazing vantage point of myself and can be realistic, honest and be able to recognise where I am at.  And reaching the 30kg lost mark this week did help!  That last 10kg was incredibly drawn out.  Yet essential.

However something else happened this week that in a way made me almost just as, if not more proud than the weight loss.

On Tuesday I made some big, well thought out goals for the next few weeks and beyond.  I was starting to process this and get fixated on a plan of attack, when at work I discovered that I have to work shift work for the rest of the month.

I work in the corporate world and am used to the usual "9-5 Monday-Friday" thing.  I haven't worked shift work or even to a roster, for 8 years.  I haven't worked a weekend in longer.  The only time I've worked at night since then has been overtime.  I've never done a graveyard shift, ever.  I've had flexible working hours for this whole time.  And suddenly I found out that I would have to be on a 24/7, 7 days a week roster.  I'm talking graveyard shifts, weekends, the whole hog.  The project I'm working on is going live and we all have to chip in and make this work.

It's only for 3 weeks or so - it's not a forever thing.  However 3 weeks is still significant to suddenly change my entire schedule from business hours to all over the shop.  I have boot camps, training sessions, parties, social stuff, events, my birthday, things like that planned outside of business hours and already locked in.  I had just that morning made some specific nutrition/exercise goals.  Now this was in total disarray.  This was completely unexpected.
 
Do you know how I reacted?  I accepted it, immediately.  I was taken aback as I found out, and then I simply said to myself "ok, if that's what's going to happen then how am I going to work this?"  The most dramatic thing I did was SMS my best friend and tell her.  But it was simply a "wow guess what" SMS rather than a swearing, crying freak-out one. ;)  There were no tears, no stress, no issues.  It was just a matter of accepting the changes and then working out how to best deal with them.

A year ago, I would have been a ball of fired up stress if this had happened.  Things aren't going as I planned!  I hate change!  I would have bitched to anyone who would have listened.  I would have been resistant.  I have never been a vocal-jump-up-and-down type person, but I would have internalised the stress over having my life getting all shemozzled and as a result, upset myself.

However I just accepted it.  I wasn't expecting it, but straight away I just said to myself that I'll deal with it.

I am so proud of myself.

The weight and the cm's etc. is one thing, but to have such a massive shift in mindset like this is just amazing.

I was nervous how I could fit everything in, but I was lucky enough to be able to choose my shifts.  So I sat down with my diary and the work schedule and planned out the next few weeks - I scheduled my shifts around boot camps and my social life to make it work for me.  It's crazy - some of it is a bit silly and because of the no-notice thing, there's some less than ideal shifts planned.  For example this weekend on Saturday, I have a friends birthday 6pm-9pm.  I then work 9pm-5am.  I then go straight to Resolution Run (an 11km fun run) at 6:30am.  I then have an appointment until about 2pm and then work 3pm-11pm.  I'm a bit concerned about that.  But apart from that, the rest of it is a whole new learning experience for me.

I'm working my very first graveyard shift tomorrow night.  When am I supposed to eat?  Should I swap my day/night around?  Should I sleep before or after?  I'm not used to working to set times. Working through the night means that I can't do my walks that I do - I try to walk before and after work and at lunch.  I don't think I should go walking around my dark building at 1am!


But it's cool.  It's just a change and I'll make it work.  I think stair runs in the work fire stairs might be a go.  I have to be flexible and create some workarounds.  It'll be fine.

I've said before how my crazy 2012 showed me that things change and that life isn't perfect.  But I haven't properly seen my mindset change in action until this week.   I am so proud of how I have dealt with this.

When you open up your mind and be open to change, open to things not being perfect, open to trying things differently, I think you grow.  You just assess, reset and go down a different path.  It doesn't mean it's worse, it's just different.  And sometimes things work out even better = eg. I worked it out that I can make an extra boot camp that I find it difficult to get to usually! ;)  I've been finding that by being open to change, putting stuff out there, being accepting and having a little bit of hope and faith, that more positive stuff happens.

Something's shifted this week and I like it.  I'm at a point where I can more realistically see where I'm at, and I have this calm confidence inside.  I trust that I know how to do what I need to do.  It's taken a long time but I feel stronger in mind.  I'm adapting as I go along and just doing my best.  I'm not perfect at what I'm doing.  And that's the whole point. :)

Shortest blog post ever

I lost 30kg!!!!!
That is all.
;)

Jumping aboard my (exercise) train

Hallo!!

The QLD crew at the parkrun Perth smackdown!

It feels like forever since I posted here but I checked and it was actually just on Friday ;)  Maybe because that's because I have SO much to say and SO much on my mind!  I won't bore you with everything and I have a few enthralling topics I want to write about over the next week, but for now I just wanted to chat about some of the training that I've been doing.  For no reason other than I've been doing some different things which have been pretty cool and I have a lot of awesome photos that I wanted to share!

I am getting more into the training lately.  This has been a slow process.  From someone who wouldn't run for a train to someone who has a self confessed addiction to boot camps, it's been an interesting 7 months.  I was thinking the other day that if I wasn't trying to lose weight, that I wouldn't train.  Because, I'm not going to lie, I don't like exercise.  If there were no or limited health benefits to be received, I would be on the couch and NOT running around a sports field.

The most beautiful smackdown supporters

However I called myself on this.  Because some of it, I do enjoy.  Mish's challenge for us last week was to say what our favourite type of exercise is and why.  I chose boot camps (of course).  But what got me was my answer.  I said that it was because I get excited about getting out of bed every day to go.  Seriously, Kate?

Umm, yes, I do.

More on boot camps below but I just wanted to mention that.  I used to get excited about getting up out of bed to eat a calorie laden breakfast.  Now it's to sweat profusely and smell badly on a football field.

#lovethesechanges

I'm getting my training on and loving it :)

Blue haired gal: INTERSTATE SMACKDOWN!

My hair!

A few weeks ago I participated in the 1st Inaugral QLD vs. Perth Crew Smackdown!  Basically it was a fun state vs state event, using parkrun as our vehicle.  Our teams geared up at various parkrun's across QLD and Perth and we did our 5km in a fierce battle!  The stats were prepped and QLD came first!  But the winners were everyone who participated, and especially those who walked with me.

I was moon booted up at the time and was in pain to walk let alone be allowed to run.  But I had someone walking alongside me the whole time, and others came back to do the last stint with me also.  I felt so supported and it was such a fun morning.  And I was very relieved that the blue spray washed out of my hair!

Twigs in my undies: PT!

Awesome session

I did my 1st PT session in about 10 years!  And it was awesome!  It was full on!  But I loved it.  It was a cool experience remembering what it's like to have dedicated 1 on 1 attention in a training situation.  I used to do PT regularly and loved it (and also was in love with my gay, male PT, but that's a whole other story) so it was great to revisit this way of training.  AND afterwards I went to the bathroom and found twigs and leaves....ummm....in....there.  hahaa!  I don't know how that ended up happening!  I joked that from now on clients should be judged on this criteria.  If they don't end up with twigs and leaves in their....region....then they haven't worked hard enough! ;)

PB with a recovering injury - rock on!: FITNESS TEST!

Running my time trial again!

We did our Week 8 fitness test with the QLD Crew on the weekend and I am so happy with my results!!  You can see them here: Coco's Stats  What I was most excited about was my time trial.  I shaved just under 4 min. of it but that wasn't a really true reflection as my last one was done walking because of my ankle.  This one I was able to run (!) (more on that in a second).  But what was cool was when I compared my time later, I realised that it was a PB for me - I beat my last running time, which was 12 weeks ago - after 2 months of not running.  There is so much to be said for fitness :)

My freedom is back: RUNNING!

The view :)

So yes, you read that right, I AM RUNNING AGAIN!!!!  Can you tell that I'm excited about this??  It has been over 2 months.  The princess accident was the 2nd November so I really haven't ran since October.  And you know how much I have missed it.  Well, I am finally back, baby!

Last week I tested running at boot camp for a couple of days.  Just very light running in the soft grass.  And it went ok :)  I didn't push it though.  Then last week I was driving over the Story Bridge one night at around 7:30pm and I noticed that there were people jogging across the bridge.  I decided I wanted to do that too.  I am never spontaneous.  I haven't properly ran since October.  It's a bridge.  It's night time.  I've just finished boot camp.  I didn't know how to gain pedestrian access to the bridge.

Dodgy unfocused selfie of my running smile!

Who cares - I was going to do it!  And I did it.  It was amazing.  I pulled my car over to the side of the road as soon as I could, in the city, and found my way to the bridge.  I love Brisbane's skyline at night, so it was really pretty being up there and completely refreshing with the breeze etc.  But the coolest thing was running again.  I took it easy - I ran across then ran/walked/ran back as I knew that's what my ankle could cope with, but I did it.  I feel full of freedom when I run and being on the Story Bridge just made it a bit more special for one of my first 'runs' back.  

Since then I've ran a bit in boot camps etc.  It's not completely healed yet as it's quite weak and tonight it's actually hurting, I think I have pushed it a little.

But I will take care of it.  I am just so thankful to be able to run again :)  Look out pavement, I'm about to pound you!

#addictedmuch: CAN'T GET ENOUGH BOOTY

My water pistol was broken!

Ahhh I am seriously in love with boot camps!  I've upped this a bit and am so lucky to have found some boot camps that I adore.  I realised how much I loved them when I realised I was using them as a form of reward for myself.  eg. when I walked the Brisbane Kokoda twice that day, I was pushing myself because boot camp was on soon and I didn't want to miss out.  It was like a reward of not going slowly when I wanted to.  "Keep up Kate, boot camp awaits!" ;)

I started a new set of boot camps this week - a very appreciated Christmas present from my family.  The first one was on Monday - I was looking forward to them and wanted to do them, yet on the morning I was a ball of riddled anxiety!  It was seriously like my first boot camp, all over again!

Best.fun.ever

I literally almost turned around and went home twice on my way there.  I was petrified.  I decided it would be really hard, I wouldn't be able to keep up, that everyone else were athletes and that they would laugh at me.  I wasn't cut out for this.  I went to the wrong park at first.  I had a teary moment when I got there.  But I showed up.  And I LOVED IT.  Seriously, I have been counting down the days until the next one.  And even better, my usual boot camps have got extra sessions at the moment....so now, I CAN DO BOOT CAMP EVERY DAY!  And twice on Wednesday's!  I am in love, it's like it's Christmas every day ;)  I don't want to sound like an idiot but I seriously love them so much.  With boot camps and other stuff, I think I've slept past 4:30am once in the past fortnight, but it doesn't bother me.  Oh, and..I think my insomnia's gone.  It just took a while to settle. :)

We also had a couple of water fights at some boot camps last week which were so much fun.  I haven't played like that in a long time.  To start off the day with a boot camp and a water fight, it's just the best :)

So there you have it!  There's some of the activities I've been up to.  I'm in the middle of reassessing at the moment and I still have so much to update you on, but for now I just wanted to have a chat about the exercise.  That I love.  And don't hate.  Who am I? :)

PT renegade rows :)

 

QLD Crew doing our fitness test together

 

A Kate wall again.  Singing to take away the pain.  I need to work on my wall sits!

Boot camp water fight #2 :)

I am Size 16

There comes a time when when you've tried on your 44th Size 16 dress / shirt / crop top and it fits, that you feel you can finally admit to yourself that you may, just possibly be a Size....16. There's only so many 'flukes' and 'wrong sizing' and 'one off's' that it can be. One day you finally realise that maybe, you could possibly be a Size 16.

That is this week for me :)

I'm not a Size 16 in pants and some clothes, but many, many things are fitting me in Size 16 now. Maybe it's time to throw out the Size 26 tops I still have gracing my cupboard?

I've had a big week of finally starting to recognise the changes my body has been taking. I've compared photos, the Size 14 crop top helped, and tonight I did this weeks photo for Operation Yellow Dress (see here: Operation Yellow Dress) and I couldn't believe that the top of the zip touches now, and hooks up! No more arms in the way trying to hold it together. Now to just get that zip up by finale weekend!

I know that this is a big step in my silly body dysmorphic mindset. :)

Anyway I just wanted to share...I am officially realising, and admitting, that (in some things anyway!) that I AM SIZE 16. 

:)

Chaos, Chests and Chocolate. And Size 14.

This’ll be a mish-mash of a mixed up post I think.  I have heaps on my mind and just need to get it all out and off my chest so I can get on with my day.  No alignment or central topic today.

Firstly, Weigh-In-Wednesday today.  I weighed in at 112.9kg.  I’m happy with that :)  I lost 1.8kg.  Greedy perhaps but I wanted more.  However I really like seeing the ‘2’ in that figure.  Going down slowly but surely.  I’m so close to the 30kg mark – I can’t wait to hit it!  I think I need to up the ante a bit.  It’s been a very slow pace from 20-30.

One exciting thing though is that yesterday I wore a Size 14!  A Mish crop top.  It was very, very cool.  For the record, I am not a Size 14 yet.  I am struggling with the fact that some Size 16’s fit.  I am still wearing Size 18-26 pants!  I still have no idea what size I actually am.  However, this Size 14 fit.  And while I wore that, I was a Size 14 – well in the chest, in that particular crop top, anyway.

Yesterday I celebrated Christmas Day with my family.  My immediate family do this post-Christmas when we go away.  So it was present time!  My presents were pretty funny.  Polar opposites.  Here are some photos:

LOL.  So half of my presents was chocolate, and the other half was One Active / Mish stuff, multivitamins and $ for some extra boot camps that I want to do.  Funny.  My family is extremely supportive about my weight loss.  I know that chocolate gifts can be seen as sabotaging efforts in some families but mine wasn’t, they just didn’t think. :)  In saying that, after they gave it to me they did say that they don’t mind if I give it away, and then my parents even offered to keep it at their house to stop temptation for me.  I was really impressed they thought of that – so I left the chocolate behind.  I love the other stuff and can’t wait to get into these boot camps which start next week.

I’m having a frustrating morning so far.  Just one of those mornings where everything goes wrong.  Getting up on the wrong side of bed, fretting about someone, yoghurt spillages on work clothes that I don’t see till I leave the house, later than I like to be for work, being late means I miss out on 2 of my walks, not finding a carpark, leaving lunch in the car, boot camp got cancelled, blah blah blah – nothing major but it’s annoying stuff that is snowballing to upset me a bit.  But there’s something bigger that I think is the real thing that is bothering me.

My last blog post I wrote was all about NYE, goals, and relaxing about them.  Something hasn’t been sitting right with me since I wrote it.  Don’t get me wrong, I still agree wholeheartedly with everything that I wrote.  I truly believe that perfection doesn’t exist, and that we can do whatever we want whenever we want – we don’t need NYE to do things.

However I think I went too far in that line of thinking.  One thing I have never been wonderful at, is balance :)  I am the biggest planner, list maker, organisation obsessed person I know.  2012 circumstances made me the most disorganised person I know.  My life has been in complete chaos for at least 8 months now.  It was a coping mechanism.

But now things are sorting out and the disorganisation is getting to me.  I strangely feel like I’m being left behind this year already – yes, on Day 2 – everyone around me seems to have these major goals in place and plans written down.  Usually that is me.  I feel like my ‘relaxed’ view has been quite pessimistic.  I am usually a big-fresh-start-you-can-do-anything-a-brand-new-year-brings-new-opportunities type person.  Yet I think I have become a slightly ‘yes-that-is-right-and-dream-big-BUT-everything-will-probably-change-or-stuff-up-so-don’t-expect-anything-to-go-right type person.  Huh?  How did that happen?  Here I was the other day on here saying ‘don’t stress ---- it’s all good’ but I think a happy balance is ok and that is the missing key here.

I think I have become SO good at realising that plans can change and goals need to be flexible, that I’ve gone too far the other way.  I haven’t worked out the direction I need to take, I have goals all over the place and no clear view of them, my life is in a highly disorganised state --- 13000 emails in my Inbox is just part of the very huge iceberg of backed up everything that is holding me back.  I think 2012 railroaded me so much that I am now expecting things to change so much that I haven’t tried to be slightly organised yet.

And it’s driving me crazy.

I think a happy balance is in order.  Calm the chaos, slowly chip away, make plans and be vigilant with my goals again, BUT just be open minded at the same time.  No more extremes: balance is required for a happy Kate.  I’ll let you know how this goes.  I think I need to work out what it is exactly that I want and need.  I’ve had enough chaos, I want to go back to being organised.  I think I need to be a little bit more optimistic that things will go right, because most stuff probably will.

I also think I over-think things!

Time to focus on my goals, plans, resolutions, dreams, mantra, vision, rewards: get it all down and make it happen.  And clean up my chaos.  Speaking of rewards, I was looking through some old diaries a couple of weeks ago and found some old ‘diet plans’ from when I was a young teenager.  I have plans everywhere.  It had a reward system attached and it made me laugh.  My “5kg lost” reward was to “eat KFC”.  My “10kg lost” reward was to “eat at a buffet”.  Yeah – I won’t be having rewards like that anymore :)

Anyway I am off to plan some stuff.  Get some balance.  And some perspective.  And think positive.  The best laid plans can unravel.  But we have to plan and work like they won’t.  It’s ok to do that.